This is an old post in Coffee, anyone? I just thought I'd bring it to the spotlight today because it has been exactly one year since this happened. And like deja vu, in the same house but in a different graduation party, ...we meet again, last night.
So we finally meet after 5 years. She finally meets the woman who her ex-boyfriend fell head over heels in love with. I finally meet the woman who loved and cared for the man I married for more than a decade before I came (pun unintended) into his life. She finally meets the woman she referred to as the “fat b*tch” and I finally meet the woman I referred to as the “ugly b*tch” (Out of disdain, I always thought, well you can lose “fat” but what do you do with “ugly”? Plus, she wasn’t so skinny to begin with).
It wasn’t so bad. Just a bit of formalities here and there, a shaking of the hands (I offered mine first –brownie points!), uttering the automatic “nice to meet you” that goes with the handshake (did we really mean it?), partying with the rest of the crowd and maybe scrutinizing each other in stolen glances. Simple. So bitterly peaceful. It has been five years anyway. I guess we both anticipated this meeting. It is a small world after all.
At one point, we were all singing and “Dancing Queen” came up. I announced to everyone, in between sips of beer, that it is my song. No one, except for her, volunteered to sing it. And I danced to it. I know, she wasn’t doing it for me…she was just having fun singing. I wasn’t doing it for her either. Dancing Queen is my anthem, I will heed its call anytime. I am a Dancing Queen –which I know she isn’t! I must say though, even if she doesn’t sing as good as Cristina Aguilera I definitely pale in comparison. I should give it to her. (uhrm…)
Two concerned guys asked me if it was okay that she was at the party. And because I wanted to prove unfazed by the situation, I confidently said “No worries, you’re asking me now when I finally proved to myself with my very own eyes that I’m really a lot more beautiful than her?” My husband always said too that I’m 100 times nicer. Better inside and out. But I kept that part to myself. Good thing. I should have kept my mouth shut to begin with. I really wanted to kick myself for not screening my words. I hate it. I just put myself down. I was embarassed with what I said even if it was supposed to be a self-appreciating joke directed to two carefree guys. I stooped too low. It was definitely a self-defense done in poor taste. Look who’s ugly now???
How can I be so proud? How can I make fun of being prettier than someone else, even just as a joke, or to casually prove a petty point…when we all know too well that beauty is only skin deep. What matters is what lies beneath. What is important is who the person is inside. As the days go by since that meeting, there is a ball of guilt that keeps on swelling in my heart about having said it. She didn’t do anything bad to me anyway. And even if my husband and a lot of other people who both know us tell me I’m a lot nicer, observing her…I saw that she couldn’t possibly be too far behind. I know for sure she is a great friend to her friends. She’s probably great with the kids in the facility she works for. Maybe. It takes one to know one.
I don’t want to hurt people. I should take care of this inner beauty. It is what is important. It is what is worth preserving. It is what is worth being proud of.
When the party was over, she said goodbye and if smiles were worth ten seconds to a dollar, she flashed me a 10 cents worth. Good enough. Then I said “Goodbye, drive safe”.
Did I mean it? YES.
-----
And how did it go last night, you ask? The same. But I didn't get a chance to say "Goodbye, drive safe" though. And I really wanted to. I wanted to run after her to say it.
So we finally meet after 5 years. She finally meets the woman who her ex-boyfriend fell head over heels in love with. I finally meet the woman who loved and cared for the man I married for more than a decade before I came (pun unintended) into his life. She finally meets the woman she referred to as the “fat b*tch” and I finally meet the woman I referred to as the “ugly b*tch” (Out of disdain, I always thought, well you can lose “fat” but what do you do with “ugly”? Plus, she wasn’t so skinny to begin with).
It wasn’t so bad. Just a bit of formalities here and there, a shaking of the hands (I offered mine first –brownie points!), uttering the automatic “nice to meet you” that goes with the handshake (did we really mean it?), partying with the rest of the crowd and maybe scrutinizing each other in stolen glances. Simple. So bitterly peaceful. It has been five years anyway. I guess we both anticipated this meeting. It is a small world after all.
At one point, we were all singing and “Dancing Queen” came up. I announced to everyone, in between sips of beer, that it is my song. No one, except for her, volunteered to sing it. And I danced to it. I know, she wasn’t doing it for me…she was just having fun singing. I wasn’t doing it for her either. Dancing Queen is my anthem, I will heed its call anytime. I am a Dancing Queen –which I know she isn’t! I must say though, even if she doesn’t sing as good as Cristina Aguilera I definitely pale in comparison. I should give it to her. (uhrm…)
Two concerned guys asked me if it was okay that she was at the party. And because I wanted to prove unfazed by the situation, I confidently said “No worries, you’re asking me now when I finally proved to myself with my very own eyes that I’m really a lot more beautiful than her?” My husband always said too that I’m 100 times nicer. Better inside and out. But I kept that part to myself. Good thing. I should have kept my mouth shut to begin with. I really wanted to kick myself for not screening my words. I hate it. I just put myself down. I was embarassed with what I said even if it was supposed to be a self-appreciating joke directed to two carefree guys. I stooped too low. It was definitely a self-defense done in poor taste. Look who’s ugly now???
How can I be so proud? How can I make fun of being prettier than someone else, even just as a joke, or to casually prove a petty point…when we all know too well that beauty is only skin deep. What matters is what lies beneath. What is important is who the person is inside. As the days go by since that meeting, there is a ball of guilt that keeps on swelling in my heart about having said it. She didn’t do anything bad to me anyway. And even if my husband and a lot of other people who both know us tell me I’m a lot nicer, observing her…I saw that she couldn’t possibly be too far behind. I know for sure she is a great friend to her friends. She’s probably great with the kids in the facility she works for. Maybe. It takes one to know one.
I don’t want to hurt people. I should take care of this inner beauty. It is what is important. It is what is worth preserving. It is what is worth being proud of.
When the party was over, she said goodbye and if smiles were worth ten seconds to a dollar, she flashed me a 10 cents worth. Good enough. Then I said “Goodbye, drive safe”.
Did I mean it? YES.
-----
And how did it go last night, you ask? The same. But I didn't get a chance to say "Goodbye, drive safe" though. And I really wanted to. I wanted to run after her to say it.
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argh! that was really an ouch moment..but of course how can we not indulge on as low as that from time to time... *wink
Make or Break
we've all said things we regret...guilt, guilt, guilt!
Stopping by to say "hi" and welcome. I know that you will enjoy being a part of this vibrant community of bloggers.
carma :-)
I stopped by from SITS to welcome you! It's great to have you in the SITStahood:0)
I think we have all been there. Just stoppng by from SITS to welcome you!
What an odd moment! Ugh... I don't blame you for your feelings or thoughts. I'd probably be trying to prove myself superior in some way before realizing how silly it all is and feeling terrible about the whole thing.
Actually, I'm going through something kind of related. My BFF's girlfriend is not very fond of me and makes it quite known to him that she doesn't like us spending time together. Here's the kicker: I introducer him to her! I knew she was "the one"... I just didn't know she was also the one to cause so much trouble. Thankfully, my BFF has a good head on his shoulders and is telling her to get over her insecurities because Cindy was here first and Cindy will be here if you're gone. YEAH!
*sigh* (it sucks though... and it does make me sad... I actually thought I gained a girlfriend... not so much, eh?)
We've all had those moments. I seem to have them more often than many!
I came by to welcome you to SITS! We're happy to have you with us!
Stopped by to welcome you to SITS!
Aghh those situations are the hardest. We all end up saying something we regret, don't be too hard on yourself. Stopping in to welcome you to SITS :)
Sorry - that's a tough situation to be in. Just stopping by from the SITS welcome wagon to say hi!
Well, you had a lot of pressure in that situation and nobody's perfect. :o)
Stopping by to welcome you to the SITS community! It's great to have you as a SITSta!
Been there, done that as they say. It was a little awkward in the delivery room with his ex but I wouldn't have missed seeing my first granddaughter being born for all the yen in China.
I'm sure with an impending graduation for my teen/stepson next June that it won't be the last time...
Welcome to SITS!
Welcome to SITS! We are excited to have you.
That happens to all of us from time to time.
Stopping by to welcome you to SITS!
this is a beautifully written post.
Stopped by from SITS to say hi!
Argh! My hubs ex (they were married for arond 9 months) starting causing trouble for us on our first date. Thirteen years after they were divorced. She has a great body, I'm chubby (a lot!). I am prettier though, inside and out. It does matter! lol I don't know why in some situations we put ourselves down. Sixteen years later hubs and I are still going strong. She still gets word to him that she wants him back - after all of these years! Some people!
Well the reason I stopped by was to welcome you to SITS! I know your going to enjoy being a part of our SITStahood!
Thank y'all for the comments and the support, my SITStahs...
Thank you, Carma, Sandy, Cindy, Greedygrace, Jessica, Mommyof2girlz, The Mom @Babes in Hairland, Joy, Brandy, Mercedes, Christina, Jen, Valerie ... of SITS. Thank you for the warm welcome. I'll come and visit each one soon(est)!!!
And thank you, Pehpot and Cindy (Wine on Lips).
It feels so good that I'm not alone. And I'm not the only one suffering from the "Ex-factor" LOL
My first time here! Can't wait to take a better look around!
Coming by from SITS with a big HELLO & Welcome!